Hogwarts gets Wired
by killtheposeurs
Summary: Chapter 2 up! Tea leaves, pantyhose and pulp fiction... oh my? Took it off the site because of rewriting. This isn't your normal techno-centric fanfic, kids. GWDM, HGSS.
1. Week I

A/N: So, I'm going through my stories, looking for one to update, and I realize that WIRED has no plot. This is the first time I realize this, just coming back from intensive writing camp and all. So, I have decided to take this story and rewrite it extensively. Yes, it has a plot now. Yes, this may mean that some of the very very funny parts are changed. But, I'm adding a multitude of even funnier parts to keep you all happy. Enjoy!

Hogwarts Gets Wired

Chapt 1: Week 1

Virginia Weasley sat down in front of a brown, "cardboard' box marked UPS. Ginny had no idea what a "UPS" or a "cardboard" was, and frankly, she had no burning desire to find out. All she cared about was what was inside the box.

She slowly peeled off the thick, sticky tape (almost worse than spellotape, she thought to herself) and winced. Shutting her eyes, she stuck a hand inside the box and found… squishy things. Lots of them, to be precise.

"WHY ARE THERE INVADERS IN MY LAPPYTOPPY PACKAGE?!" came a shout from the other room. Ginny came to her senses and rushed into her older brother Ron's room. She was extremely startled by what she found. Ron was covered in the squishy teal items, trying to bat them off of himself and struggling furiously, his face a shade of red that complimented his even redder hair.

Arthur Weasley, their father, stood behind Ginny, his face twisted into a stoic expression- "I think those are called 'styrofoam.' Nasty little buggers, aren't they?" Ron didn't answer, still trying to fight off the swarm of evil.

"They're worse than death eaters!" he shrieked, still missing a couple that were latched on to his back.

"Now now, Ron, there's not much worse than death eaters except for imaging Professor Trelawny in crotchless panties," Ginny commented with a fake sort of earnestness, causing Fred and George who were standing behind their father to break into a fit of giggles. Ron just kept shrieking.

Ginny laughed lightly and wandered back into her room, staring once more at the sullen cardboard box. She waded through the "styrofoam" deftly and reached a small, plastic bag with a black, heavy object inside. Ripping the bag open like a 4 year old at Christmas, she encountered her "laptop" along with a note from Professor Dumbledore. She picked it up, reading it thoroughly-

---

_Students, Faculty-_

_I am pleased to welcome you to your new best friend in the Wizarding world. This Dell Dimension laptop with a "Pentium 4" seems to be most enjoyable. I don't exactly know what a "Pentium 4" is, but it sounds enjoyable also. Minerva can't tear me away from that "solitary" game at all. Treat these with the utmost care. They are interesting objects, and the school is financing them. This meaning that the school has control and priority over the kinds of areas you visit on the internet. Do not misuse this privilege. I hope to be seeing you all in the next few weeks, and may the end of your summer break be a splendid one. _

_Headmaster Dumbledore_

Harry set the note down and rubbed his scar slightly, adjusting weight on his cot and lying back down uncomfortably. He did not figure that the end of his summer break would be particularly splendid, seeing as he was angering and confusing the Dursleys beyond belief! Vernon was out of his mind, trying to figure out why the stupid school was sending HARRY (of all people!) a laptop! He didn't even have one himself! Dudley was also miffed, spending most of his free time kicking Harry's books around the house. Harry could only anticipate the sweet screaming coming from downstairs when Dudley found The Monster Book of Monsters pt 3.

Yes, it had been a tiring summer. Harry was forced to face the prospect that it would be an equally tiring year.

---

At the beginning of the new year, everything seemed to be going as planned. The golden trio was in their 6th year, and eagerly anticipating the new challenges it would bring. Hermione more than ever.

She ran into the great hall at breakfast of the first day of the new school year with a frown fixated on her face, shoes slapping against the cobblestones and her cheeks flushed with frustration.

Severus Snape also couldn't help noticing the graceful way her skirt swooshed behind her, the curves of her body taking on a more feminine grace and appeal. He also noticed a couple Ravenclaws noticing this, and made a mental note to take away extra points from them that day. But, more than ever, he noticed that he was glad that his robes were a bit too large, especially in the crotch area.

Sighing, she sat down in between Potter and Weasley, who were engrossed in a rather vivid discussion on ways to use a bludger.

"I still think that breaking body parts should be considered legal!" Ron exclaimed as Harry rolled his eyes. "Oh, hi 'Mione."

Hermione waved in reply.

Harry interjected, "Nonsense. Casualties of the sort has always been known to be illegal. No one wants to be hit with a bludger!"

"But that's the point of the bloody game!" Dean Thomas shouted from the other side of the table. "Bloodshed, violence, getting dirty!!!"

Neville shuddered in response and Ginny just took another bite from her biscuit.

Hermione sat down next to Ginny, straightening her skirt as she did. The potions professor shuddered and averted his glance. Scandalous, he thought to himself.

"So, Gin, maintained usage of these laptop things yet?" Hermione asked, a plate magically appearing in front of her with a biscuit and strawberry jam.

"Not exactly. I read through a couple of manuals, and it seems that our laptops have some "certain capabilities" that others do not, mainly that you do not have to plug them into the wall." Ginny nodded. "I've also noticed that you can do some pretty cool hacking things into others screen names, just by using a simple de-coding program."

Hermione grinned. She could always count on Ginny to analyze things. Most didn't realize that the youngest Weasley had a strong mind (along with a very strong vocabulary) and an extremely analytical one at that. Her favorite class was Arithmancy and she took it with Hermione, seeing as she had progressed to the 6th year level after taking a summer course. Both girls had bonded over the class, finding themselves to have more in common than they realized. The main difference was that Hermione had the strength to show her intelligence, while Ginny did not. She usually kept with the same air headed group of girls, only showing off her secret intellect when Hermione was around.

Spreading a thin layer of jam over her biscuit, she replied. "How exactly do you seem to always figure this out?" Ginny just giggled and patted her mouth with her napkin daintily. Hermione envied the fact that her friend could make the simplest things look so effortlessly feminine.

They both turned toward the rest of the Gryffindors as a large crash was heard, directing their attention to the ghastly scene. Dean Thomas and Ron were staring daggers as they were having a swordfight with a fork and knife. Harry was quite shocked and dove underneath the table, crouching for safety.

Professor Snape just threw his head back and laughed.

---

Message From: dmalfoy

To: ccrabbe; ggoyle; bzabini; pparkinson

Subject: Chain Letter

For our personal enjoyment: Potter is a pussy. Pass it on.

---

Ginny was very bored. Ginny was bored beyond words. She scanned through the student database leisurely, enjoying the flow of text in front of her. Her eyes stopped on a single name, entering the IP address into her hacking program and getting to work.

Harry would feel quite badly about stealing her quill during Arithmancy. Oh yes.

---

Instant Message-

Dmalfoy: Harry, I just wanted to confess my adoration for you and everything you do.

Hpotter: …

Dmalfoy: I'm serious. grin

Hpotter: …

Dmalfoy: I'll send it out in a mass email!

Hpotter: …

---

From: dmalfoy

To: Entire Student Body

Subject: My Secret Crush

WELLL…

It used to be a secret, but not anymore

Potter's so cool; he's the one that I adore

I sleep with a picture of him by my bed

I dream dirty dreams nightly about him in my head

Parkinson's a bitch, I hate her guts

I wanna marry Harry, and no buts

He's so goddamn sexy, and I look all right

And with both of us together we can fuck all night!

Thank you, I'll be here till Thursday.

Draco Sex God Malfoy

---

From: dmalfoy

To: Entire Student Body

Subject: Ummm

Everyone's been looking at me funny lately, I cant seem to figure out why. Did someone send something out on my email address?

DM

---

HOGWARTS ANNOUNCEMENTS:

1)The Third Floor corridor is still off limits.

2) Mr. Crabbe and Mr. Goyle: The computers are NOT for you to view porn with. I expect to see you two in my office soon.

3) Ms. Weasley, we will NOT hack into other students email addresses.

4) These computers should not be misused in any way. Thank you.

Professor Albus Dumbledore

---

I'll start rewriting TIKI soon, too. Enjoy!


	2. Wired II

Note: **ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ**= a space. Since = a bitch.

Hogwarts Gets Wired

Chapt 2: Week 2

Disclaimer- I own nothing. Do not sue.

"You know, Gin, I'm still not used to you going to classes with us…" Harry stated, staggering up the spiral staircase on the way to Divination.

"I only go to 3 classes with you, which I think is a rather small amount- Arithmancy, Potions, and Divination. Besides, I'm sure you enjoy my company in Trelawny's hellhole."

He laughed. "I'm getting used to it. I always used to enjoy Hermione's sarcastic quips in this class, but then she dropped it. And then it was just me and Ron. Gin, no offense, but your brother isn't the brightest of people at times."

"Nonsense. I'm sure Ronald has at least above the I.Q. of a rock. I wouldn't aim for a gerbil, though." She rolled her eyes. "He just has some issues with rash judgement, sometimes. Lets his anger get ahead of him too much."

They pushed open the heavy door and entered the classroom, filing into the desks in a seemingly orderly fashion. Harry sat next to Ginny and opened his bookbag, realizing at once that he was missing something.

"Gin, can I borrow a quill? I've seemed to forget mine again." He gave her an apologetic look and she sighed, handing one of hers over and resolving to obtain payback later. At that very moment, Trelawny glided into the room, looking as fanatical as ever. Ginny and Harry groaned in unison, along with some of the other Gryffindors and Hufflepuffs.

"Today, my darlings, we study tea leaves! I'm sure you're all familiar with this practice. Let us begin!" The students stared down blankly at the teacups which had appeared blatantly in front of them. Harry poked the leaves with his finger.

"I see a large clump of shit. Anything in yours, Gin?"

She picked it up and turned it around, mock-studying it. "I think I can possibly discern the findings of… tea leaves. Yes, I see tea leaves in abundance in your future, Mr. Potter."

"Maybe I'll work in a tea shop. Being dainty, and all that."

"Maybe I'll be the Queen of England."

On cue, Trelawny glided over and plucked Harry's cup from his hands, ignoring his protests of indignation.

"Bloody hell, give that back!"

"Ohh… yess… I see something of grave importance…" she stated, one of her eyes popping out and staring at it. "Beware the ides of March, my dear, for therein will prove your immediate downfall and destructionnnnnn." She made a fake hissing sort of echo with the ending syllable on destruction, causing Harry to shudder and Ginny to scoff.

"Lovely, now she's stealing from Shakespeare," she muttered under her breath, causing Harry to let out a small giggle. Trelawny raised her chin and glided away, apparently hoping to retain her remaining shreds of dignity. Ginny picked up Harry's cup and stared at it some more, turning it around a bit. She could hear Ron in the background, banging his cup against the table and yelling obscenities. Glancing over the leaves, she could almost discern the shape of… a bludger.

"Harry, look at this. It kind of resembles a bludger, just vaguely."

Harry picked the cup out of her hands, looking at it. "I still see lumpy stuff. Are you sure it's not a vague circle or something?"

"No, something makes me think it's a bludger. Wow, a bludger in your immediate future. Sounds exciting," She giggled.

Ginny had no idea how right she was going to be.

**ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ**

"I hate my life."

"Draco, it's not so bad. It could be worse, honestly. Someone sent out a fake email from your name, no big deal." Blaise Zabini sighed, lying down on his bed and trying to convince his best friend that everything was going to be alright. He didn't think he was doing too well. But he would keep trying, seeing as that's what best friends were supposed to do. And he really liked those Honeydukes chocolates that Draco got him for Christmas every year.

"HOW COULD IT POSSIBLY BE WORSE? I LOOK LIKE A FUCKING FAGGOT!"

"I'm sure Harry doesn't really fancy you."

"I don't like entertaining the thought of him fancying me, Blaise. This has to stop." Draco pushed some hair out of his face and laid down, face in his pillow on his lavish bed. "It's sick and wrong."

"Well, do you know who really sent out the email? I'm betting that it's not Harry. He wouldn't want to make himself look like… well, you know."

"A faggot."

"Could you POSSIBLY not use that term?"

"Sorry." Draco kept forgetting that Blaise was touchy on such subjects. His brother ran a kinky sex shop with his "partner" down in Liverpool, and it was a constant source of annoyment for the Zabini family. Also, Blaise himself was a borderline homosexual. But no one but the two of them knew that.

"Well, how could we make whoever it is confess?"

"Kidnapping."

"Excuse me?"

"Kidnapping." Draco rubbed his hands together in glee. "I've always wanted to kidnap somebody. Like in one of those 'gangster' movies that all those muggles talk about."

"Draco, I don't think that's relevant."

Draco used his pleady face, sticking out his bottom lip and pouting.

"Draco, I'm intelligent- that doesn't work on me. That only works on Pansy, Crabbe and Goyle."

"I know- I figured it was worth a shot."

"So," he sat up and crossed his legs, trying for a more meditative position in order to retain some calm, "why exactly do you want to kidnap someone?"

"Because I am bored and operate as such. You don't have to help if you don't want to…"

Blaise was about to decline, not wanting to get tied up, but he REALLY loved those chocolates.

"Of course I want to help- we're mates. Not in the relationship sense, mind you. How do you hope to conduct this operation, then?"

Draco pondered this for a moment. "I want to wear sunglasses."

"…"

"With rhinestones on them. And a ski mask." He listed everything he could remember from muggle "gangster" movies. "Oh, and something called "pantyhose" on my head."

Blaise was befuddled. "Look, I don't think you can wear all three. And I think only the women are the ones who wear the rhinestone sunglasses. How about just a polyjuice potion?"

"So I can look like Bob Dinero?"

"I think you mean Robert DeNiro, and yes."

"SCORE!" Draco shouted and jumped around, practically overflowing with glee.

Blaise rolled his eyes, sitting back down on his bed and grabbing his laptop, opening it up. He typed in the address for the Hogwarts Server Database and waited for it to load, motioning for Draco to come and sit beside him.

"We're going to run a search of the 5th and 6th year female Gryffindor students, hopefully being able to find one that Mr. Potter has a soft spot for."  
  
It seemed that Draco had resorted to childlike behavior, as he clapped his hands and gurgled in approval.

"Oh, the horrors of this current generation. Lesse…" Blaise paused as the page finished loading, displaying the bright banner that was the "Friendly Understanding Collateral Kids Meet Easily" page. Abbreviated, it spelt "FUCKME."

"Someone has a bad sense of humour," commented Blaise, observing the Hogwarts personals. Draco just giggled and blew a bubble with his spit.

"I think that McGonnagal came up with this bloody idea..." he entered his qualifications for the search bar and pressed enter.

"We have some work to do."

**ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ**

The urgent, fervent smacking of shoes on cobblestone floor indicated whoever was in front of her that Hermione Granger was running, and she knew exactly where she was headed. A simple glance would indicate that she was rushed, dedicated, and wholly lost in thought.

Her hair, tamed and kept well, was hanging on her shoulders, small wisps of it flying out behind her in her speed. Her body had lost some of its more youthful qualities, instead taking on a more mature and wanton shape. Eyes unusually wide, full lips transfixed in a frown- Hermione Granger was disgusted with herself.

For the very first time in her academic career, she had forgotten something in a professor's classroom.

Though she had become more friendly and open as her years progressed, she had always prided herself on her rigid academic standards. Failure was not an option for someone as dedicated as herself.

She slowed down her insistent pace as she reached the door, pausing to catch her breath before even imagining to reach for the handle. Fingers touching cold metal, she prepared herself for the cat and mouse game which was to come.

The door creaked with the full uncertainty of its proprietor and she slowly eased herself inside the door, making sure to not disturb the room's occupant so much as to make him want to reprimand her for becoming so clumsy and careless in her actions. She spied her books sitting on her usual desk, unknowingly becoming more raucous in her rapt eagerness to cease and desist. She thought she was safe until she heard the voice-

"Whoever you are, I suppose you should get out.."

Whirling around, Professor Snape caught the eye of a frightened student. It wasn't a look he hadn't seen before. He was used to being met with a glance of distress, fear, or even anger (though a smart student would not let such an expression be read like a book from their face). But he wasn't used to one of those looks being mixed with admiration.

Hermione gulped down her distress and brought herself, quite reluctantly, to speak. "I was just retrieving my books, sir."

He transfixed his face into a snarl, hiding his blatant confusion. He glanced toward the desk where she usually resided and, sure enough, a large pile of books was sitting there. Severus was surprised he hadn't seen it before. He decided to attribute it to the fact that he was absorbed in grading, well, drawing on his students papers with red. On one paper (by Mr. Blaise Zabini) he had become so irritated that he drew a stick figure in a noose, with an arrow pointing to the dead stick figure stating "This is you." Then he drew another stick figure laughing with text pointing to him that said "This is me."

Ah, Severus loved grading. Pain made him happy and dammit, he wanted to be the happiest man alive. Besides, it was much more humane than killing people. That actually had CONSEQUENCES. He kept scribbling away at the papers, letting out an evil cackle as he did.

It took a moment for him to register that Miss Granger hadn't left yet, and was instead heavily fixated with reading something on his desk. He sighed and rolled his eyes.

"Why do you like my classroom so much, Miss Granger? Do the dust mites amuse you?"

He was half expecting her to not reply, but then a stuttered response came in the form of "I was just… looking at your notes on the amore potions…"

Professor Snape froze. If it was logical for him to blush in this sort of situation, he would have, but evil snarky potions professors never blush. So his cheeks only took on a light tinge of red.

"Erm, well. You're not supposed to read those. I mean… the subject matter… vivid… rare and yet… not really… odd…"

"I was just noting on how precise they were."

There was a pregnant pause before Severus realized that she had actually complimented him. He opened his mouth to speak but was interrupted by, sadly, one of her know-it-all comments-

"But you seem to have mistaken the components in this one, right here." She tapped her finger on the page, pondering over it slightly. "You place too much basis in love and not enough in lust."

"And what, Miss Granger, do you know in the way of amore potions?"

"Only that love and lust must be completely balanced for the potion to take hold. Otherwise, the power of the potion for good is useless. If there is too much love, then the effect will be too strong in purity, and if there is too much lust…"

"Then the potion becomes corrupt. I have read up about the subject, you know." He interrupted, snarkily. Miss Granger was positively flustered.

"Erm, well… why are your components off, then?"

"Because I want to see whether true love is actually possible."

"But you can't have love without lust, sir."

"Is this conversation really appropriate for a teacher/student relationship?"

She shrugged. "No."

"Well, then, I'll just make you my apprentice. Unless, of course, you have something else to do with your time."

Hermione shook her head quite eagerly, it appeared. "Oh, no, I don't. If I did, I would cancel. Erm, well, no. I wouldn't tell you that. But I would. Really. Cancel."

"Now, will you shut up and get out of my classroom?"

"Sure. Of course. If you want me to go. Even though I have to come back. Later. Because I'm your apprentice. Helper. Person. And I get to assist and help and study and…"

He stood up and grabbed her firmly, pushing her out the door as she kept prattling along.

"… and I get to spend time studying with you. And because I'm your apprentice this will look good on my credits…"

"Miss Granger, kindly contain your enthusiasm." He sighed, exasperated. "I do not have time to deal with teenage girls in my **spare** time."

"Of course. Sir. Master. Professor Snape." Hermione grinned cheekily.

He decided to just shut the door in her face.

**ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ**

From: Hpotter

To: Entire Student Body

Subject: My Secret Love

I would now like to confess my secret love for Mr. Draco Malfoy.

Oh Malfoy, of which hair glows pure white

I also dream dirty dreams of you throughout the night

Without pictures of you dancing in my head

I would have… empty head…

Everyone, Good Night. Malfoy, Good Morning.

P.S. Malfoy, Remember that one night in the astronomy tower? With the 4some with Crabbe and Goyle? I forgot my boxers. Perhaps you could return them to me sometime instead of wearing them dirty. Have you even washed them yet?

**ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ**

From: Hpotter

To: Entire Student Body

Subject: Boxers

Guys, I really do NOT appreciate a pile of boxers in front of my door for no apparent reason. Seriously, shove it.

HP

**ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ**

Pansy Parkinson stalked down the hallway, looking intensely for the one person who she had to tell her mind. She finally found him after half an hour, sitting in the great hall doing some potions homework. She frowned and walked up to him.

"Drakkie-poo, it's over!" She burst into dramatic tears. Draco wasn't sure whether these were real, or just out of self-pity, but it was all getting rather embarrassing. People were making him a bit uncomfortable from all of the angry glares.

"What, exactly, is over?"

"US, Drakkie-poo. US."  
  
"There was an US?" He asked, confused as hell. Then he remembered- sex sometimes made girls a bit over-emotional.

"I THOUGHT WE HAD SOMETHING, DRAKKIE!" She was full on bawling now, distracting everyone in the great hall from whatever else they were doing. He sighed.

"Does that mean no more sex?"

Everyone gasped as she slapped him violently on his left cheek and stalked away. The Gryffindors found it incredibly amusing. Especially a Miss Virginia Weasley who, Draco noticed, was laughing her frigging ass off, commenting every once in a while "serves the bastard right."

Draco went to get some ice.

**ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ**

He glared at Blaise. "I don't see why you find this so amusing."

"I think it's because she's overweight, Draco. Everyone finds fat people exceedingly funny when they're all angry and bloated like that. And did you hear the names she was calling you? I mean, crap, that was wicked cool."

Draco sighed. "Look, it ends tonight. I've decided who to pull our kidnapping trap on."

Blaise listened intensely.

**ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ**

Hogwarts Message Board-

1. Harry Potter, could you please see Mr. Filch about your recent, erm, boxer problem?

2. There will be NO pool about who breaks their laptop first. I don't think that the laptop specialist, Mr. Dargan, appreciates that kind of negative humor.

-Minerva McGonagall

**ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ**

End Transmission.

**ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ**

A/N: Sorry that it took so bloody long! I tried to make the chapter extra long, in penance. I just got my laptop back from the evil Mr. Dargan, and I had forgotten to save my files to a hard drive. So, yeah.

Preview of the next chapter-

_"I think this is the part where we're supposed to either rape you, stab you with a syringe with heroin in it, or call you embarrassing names."_

_She rolled her eyes, "You've been watching too much pulp fiction."_

**ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ**

3 Clare/Ming/Killtheposeurs


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